Kick Rocks, John Isner

#GodBlessAmerica

— John Isner (@JohnIsner) January 20, 2017

Fuck you, John Isner.
Fuck your boring, ill-fitting kits.
Fuck your equally boring tennis.
Fuck your serve.
Fuck you for beating Nicolas Mahut at Wimbledon.
Fuck your respectability politics.
Fuck your privilege.
Fuck your self-centered, underachieving, lumbering, saggy ass.
Fuck your inability to empathize with anyone who isn't a straight, white, cis-gender male.
Fuck your Twitter account.
Fuck the Carolina Panthers.
Fuck this notion that you voted for the best candidate and not for a pussy-grabbing, racist, sexist pathological liar in a dusty wig.
Fuck everyone who roots for you.
Fuck your whole family, Jizzner.

While I'm at it: fuck you, Tennys Sandgren. Fuck you, CoCo Vandeweghe. Fuck you, Sam Querrey.

And fuck you forever, Ryan Harrison.

A 'Murrican Tennis Outlook

My sleep/work schedule is rejoicing tennis being back in the States. Matches are so much more fun to watch when they're on primetime television with an adult beverage in hand or well-rested on a relaxing weekend afternoon. On Friday night I watched, with heavy eyelids, Serena Williams battle back to defeat Ana Ivanovic. On Saturday, an ultimately disappointed Donald Young held his own against Milos Raonic.

Besides the Williams sisters, American tennis is going through a long-winded lull. The players are less exciting (we kinda-sorta miss you, A-Rod, but you're doing a bang up job as an analyst) and the number of events on home soil has dwindled and become more scattered, but we'll focus more on the players, or lack thereof. Given Serena's roller coaster ride of a 2014, we're forced to gaze into the crystal ball and see the future landscape of American tennis, and it's exactly what you'd expect to be looking at when confronted with a crystal ball: fog and lots of it.

Really, really sad

To be fair, the Grand Slam prospects on the women's side look pretty decent. Madison Keys has had ups and downs, but has mostly made strides in 2014. Even through her ugly patches (speaking of roller coasters...), Sloane Stephens still has considerable talent that can be honed. Vicky Duval is in the Top 100 (and kicking cancer's ass in the process) and Taylor Townsend has shone brightly on and off of the court. However, the men are a totally different story. John Isner has been lumbering in and largely out of the Top 10, Young is getting his bearings together yet again, and Steve Johnson is only beginning to make a name for himself on the main tour. Jack Sock has seen steady improvement, but Sam Querrey has been...sad.

Among all of the aforementioned names, Big John is the only one that could feasibly win a Slam by 2015. However, Jizzner's game makes any given match a toss-up, and that amounts to a <1% chance of winning seven matches in a single event (yes, I did the math). We also seemingly lack personalities that we can love (or love to hate). Serena and Sloane started to give us some of that last year, but have largely been consumed by their respective on-court woes since. Madison, Vicky, and Taylor are all likable girls, but have yet to show their on-court prowess deep at the biggest stages, leaving them fairly anonymous with casual fans.

All of that said, Serena is still #1, the tournament favorite everywhere she plays, and a household name. Venus is still plugging away and doesn't seem to be hanging it up anytime soon. Taylor is a future star in training. Sloane is Sloane, as she would say, and is still giving us something to talk about, NuvaRings and all. There were seven American boys in the last 16 of Wimbledon's Boy's Championships, two of whom faced off in the final. We may have a bit more fog to wade through, but it can be cleared pretty quickly with some strong results, especially if they can come within the next five weeks on home soil.

Thoughts? Rebuttals? Leave a comment! #MERICA

Oi...

The Australian Open has just begun and I have no idea what will happen. Well, I have an idea, but it will likely mean very little come Day 14. Anyway, I can give you a 41% guarantee that the following WILL happen. Here are my picks for Champion and "Surprise Semifinalist":

• Men's Champion: Novak Djokovic - He's coming in with a head of steam. I understand that an entire offseason has happened and that new coach Boris Becker can throw a small hitch in his game, but Nole has been the king of Melbourne Park for three years running. I can't foresee anyone bringing him down, especially with Nadal's semi-shaky Doha title run (and his ridiculously tough draw) and Andy Murray's limited match play since the U.S. Open.
• Surprise Semifinalist: John Isner - Much like Novak, he's coming in with some momentum ahead of a solid title run in Auckland. He was fortunate enough to be in the quarter anchored by a rusty Murray and an erratic Federer. Big John's big serve should do a ton of damage and he should feel no pressure this year, having missed last year's Oz due to injury.
• Women's Champion: Serena Williams - I'm not gonna bother rationalizing this pick. NEXT.
• Surprise Semifinalist: Andrea Petkovic - She was drawn into the slightly unstable Sharapova quarter and she has a manageable path. She plays No. 32 seed Magdalena Rybarikova in the first round, but Magda is known to crap out in Slams. Petko could get JJ in the third round.

I'll stop myself here before I make myself look dumb. Looking forward to enjoying the Happy Slam and lots of coffee on weekday mornings. Sleep is for the weak. Or for the smart, whichever.

Timber

Returning Serve Lesson #1: looking up helps

"Why do Americans suck at tennis?"

I posed this question to my friends last week in the early goings of the Isner-Hewitt match. And while none of them follow tennis nearly as obsessively as I do, they knew that American tennis is no longer what it once was. Gone are the yesteryears of Sampras breaking records and Agassi's badassery and blonde locks. Gone even is Andy Roddick, the big-mouthed kid brother of the aforementioned legends. Yeah, we gave him a lot of well-deserved crap, but until this year, he was the only one carrying any sort of Grand Slam for the U.S. on the ATP.

Roddick departed suddenly-ish, but we were already hopping on the bandwagon of another American stud. His name was John Isner. Big John, Mr. 70-68, was supposed to proudly take the torch of passed down by Sampras and the like and lead us into the promised land (and by promised land I mean someone's trophy cabinet). He was surging at this point in 2012: finalist at Indian Wells, Davis Cup hero (on clay!), and recent addition to the Top 10 and the "player-none-of-the-Big-Four-want-to-face" list. Unfortunately, Johnny took that glowing torch into a wet, dark cave and farted on it.

The end of his 2012 season was quite the letdown. A disappointing result at Roland Garros, first-round loss at Wimby, and a lackluster, second-week-less U.S. Open have all bled into 2013 where he is now 6-6 with losses against the always-hard-to-take-down Eduardo-Roger Vasselin and Dennis Istomin (note: they are not always hard to take down).

We are now faced with the reality of having no American men in the Top 20 of the ATP rankings since...ever. Our new guy at the head of the pack is Sam Querrey, who owns only one title of ATP 500 calibur. Sam might be better in the return game and is a little harder to break down in rallies, but he's not particularly "threatening" to the guys in the ATP penthouse. Sam did just get engaged, however, and Janko Tipsarevic said it has improved his game tremendously. Still, can we honestly rely on that Serbian magic? Americans hate marriage! And Janko hasn't been playing all that well so far this year...

We're doomed.

Joking aside, it's time we figure this out or men's tennis will be done for in the United States. Yes, more and more countries are participating in the sport, but something about our dedication to developing talent has been surpassed by our European competitors. Is it that America doesn't care about tennis all that much? Is tennis too expensive of an outlet for families and their kids? Is it too socially taxing for young athletes to want to participate in it? Tennis is quite a lonely sport and that doesn't lend well to our culture, whereas other cultures have a strong sense of family where a player can thrive being surrounded by their team of supporters constantly.

Digging a little too deep there, but clearly the problem is multifaceted and won't be figured out overnight. What do you think of our substandard men's game in America? Minor dip? Major issue? Leave a comment for your thoughts, especially if you have any semblance of a solution. Miami up next for both circuits! Quick turnaround for everyone, don't know if I'm ready!