Uncertain Certainties

Tears will fall as fast as her ranking

Only hours before Wimbledon 2014 commences! What the heck will happen you ask? Here are five things that are certain to occur:

• Sabine Lisicki will open play on Centre on Day 2, entering the stadium in tears. Marion Bartoli will watch from the stands wearing Louboutins and a smug look on her face. When Sabine catches sight of Marion looking flawless, the memories of last year's final will overwhelm her and she will be carted off the field, going down to Julia Glushko, 1-6, 0-4 RET.
• Rafael Nadal will beat Lukas Rosol in the second round in five sets, avenging his shock loss to the Czech man in 2012. The match will finish beneath a closed Centre Court roof way four hours after curfew, culminating in a 13-11 final set scoreline. Nadal will later pull out of his third round match against Ivo Karlovic, citing over-elation.
• Sorana Cirstea will reassert herself as the Queen of Romania, upending Simona Halep in the third round. She will promptly lose in the following round to Tara Moore after being paid a handsome sum by a group of British journos.
• Agnieszka Radwanska and Victoria Azarenka will produce a dog fight of a match, rife with shrieks, glares, side-eyes, come-ons, and snubs. A tearful Aga will admonish Vika's grunt during her loser's press conference, while Vika deems the confrontation "hilarious" and that she was "laughing out loud" because of it.
• Grigor Dimitrov will face Andy Murray in a highly anticipated quarterfinal. The match will be awkward for the crowd as they will want to root for the next coming of Roger Federer. Grigor will get off to a quick start in the first set, fall back to earth in the second, and lose the third and fourth sets in romp after scanning the crowd and seeing Maria Sharapova eating gummy candies and judging him.

For things that definitely won't happen, here are my abbreviated picks:

Women's semifinals: Halep def. Sharapova; Azarenka def. Wozniacki

Women's final: Azarenka def. Halep

Men's semifinals: Djokovic def. Dimitrov; Federer def. Kyrgios (why not?)

Men's final: Federer def. Djokovic

Here's to hoping Novak proves me wrong. Happy Wimbledon, everyone!

Baby, Remember Their Names

Oh, hey there. It's been a while, my apologies. Between my hectic job, singing with Andrea Bocelli, getting sick, and unforeseen social commitments, the time I would normally take to blog was instead used to stare blankly at Excel, interact with other humans, and sleep. However, all of the aforementioned trivial activities take a backseat to the last two rounds of Wimbledon!

We took a wild ride to the semifinals and we've lost a collection of big names, but while the four left on the men's side as a whole are not particularly surprising, but the ladies' draw has been massacred beyond belief, culminating with the ousting of Serena on Manic Monday. The major "pro" for this decimation is that we will have a brand new Slam winner on Saturday. The problem with this foursome can be summed up in a one-word question: "WHO?"

Not to worry! Here's a few ideas to turn each of these girls into a star should they take home the Venus Rosewater Dish:

Agnieszka Radwanska: clearly, in a historical context at least, the "Andy Murray" of the WTA Big Four. Crafty, clever, yet just a tick outmatched by her primary counterparts. She is THE shotmaker of the Circuit (cue highlight reel) and won the Junior Wimbledon crown in 2005. How great would it be if she could nab her first major here, too?

Marion Bartoli: the feisty, spirited competitor who doesn't back down. Her coach/advisor is former Wimbledon champ Amelie Mauresmo, who inspired her to focus on Wimbledon. She bounces and practice swings between points to get in her opponents' heads. Marion will be responsible for the wave of young tennis players skipping around behind the baseline just to piss off the other players.

Kirsten Flipkens: she couldn't even get into Wimbledon last year. Like, they legit would not let her through the gates. She was playing Challengers in Micronesia and Antarctica just to get her ranking up enough to qualify for qualifying rounds of tour-level events! She is just a consummate workhorse. (I'm pretty sure this comes close to the narrative currently out there.)

Sabine Lisicki: she's pretty, she's blonde, she cries when she wins, and she clearly has no respect for the French Open. What's not to like? She's already the oddsmakers favorite and has the title of "I Beat Serena" generating a lot of buzz for her. After all the upsets she has accomplished over the years, it would be more than fitting for her to fluke her way to a Wimbledon title without it being a fluke at all.

Personally, I would love it if Aga wins this one. It's right there in front of her and would ease a lot of the burden she would feel in her career going forward. Plus, I think she's the best player in this draw on this surface. Who do you have reaching the mountaintop? Pick one and say why by leaving a comment. No, you can't still pick Serena.

(Edit: about me picking Aga to win this tournament...but she did win best snub)