Uncertain Certainties

Tears will fall as fast as her ranking

Only hours before Wimbledon 2014 commences! What the heck will happen you ask? Here are five things that are certain to occur:

• Sabine Lisicki will open play on Centre on Day 2, entering the stadium in tears. Marion Bartoli will watch from the stands wearing Louboutins and a smug look on her face. When Sabine catches sight of Marion looking flawless, the memories of last year's final will overwhelm her and she will be carted off the field, going down to Julia Glushko, 1-6, 0-4 RET.
• Rafael Nadal will beat Lukas Rosol in the second round in five sets, avenging his shock loss to the Czech man in 2012. The match will finish beneath a closed Centre Court roof way four hours after curfew, culminating in a 13-11 final set scoreline. Nadal will later pull out of his third round match against Ivo Karlovic, citing over-elation.
• Sorana Cirstea will reassert herself as the Queen of Romania, upending Simona Halep in the third round. She will promptly lose in the following round to Tara Moore after being paid a handsome sum by a group of British journos.
• Agnieszka Radwanska and Victoria Azarenka will produce a dog fight of a match, rife with shrieks, glares, side-eyes, come-ons, and snubs. A tearful Aga will admonish Vika's grunt during her loser's press conference, while Vika deems the confrontation "hilarious" and that she was "laughing out loud" because of it.
• Grigor Dimitrov will face Andy Murray in a highly anticipated quarterfinal. The match will be awkward for the crowd as they will want to root for the next coming of Roger Federer. Grigor will get off to a quick start in the first set, fall back to earth in the second, and lose the third and fourth sets in romp after scanning the crowd and seeing Maria Sharapova eating gummy candies and judging him.

For things that definitely won't happen, here are my abbreviated picks:

Women's semifinals: Halep def. Sharapova; Azarenka def. Wozniacki

Women's final: Azarenka def. Halep

Men's semifinals: Djokovic def. Dimitrov; Federer def. Kyrgios (why not?)

Men's final: Federer def. Djokovic

Here's to hoping Novak proves me wrong. Happy Wimbledon, everyone!

Float To The Top

The G.O.A.T. of Float

Now that preparations for Roland Garros are just about over (at least they are outside of France...almost...thanks, Dusseldorf...), most tennis enthusiasts will reflect on this year's Euroclay swing and determine which players have put themselves in the best position for French Open title contention. Unfortunately for those with their eyes on the trophy, they must navigate the draw through seven matches. Eventually for some, there will be a supreme roadblock in the way, a DANGEROUS FLOATER. 

These players are ranked low enough to be anywhere in the draw, even as a first-round opponent to a top seed (Nadal vs. Isner, anyone?). While ranking determines your spot in the bracket, it never is a good measure for seeing who can bust the bracket wide open by turning on the gas and knocking out a major contender. However, said contenders are in luck! I've put together a list of four players from each tour that everyone should have their eye on once the draws are released on Friday. (Each player is ranked outside of the Top 32, a very strategic handicap that stupidly did not consider the myriad of withdrawals, but throw me a bone.)

WTA

Her booty shorts are the best

39. Svetlana Kuznetsova: We all know how capable Sveta is. She's a two-time Grand Slam champ, including Roland Garros, for goodness sake. Then again, she can crap out in round one against a complete nobody. She really is the epitome of a wildcard. Still, Svetlana does seem to get up for the big stage evidenced by her quarterfinal run from nowhere at this year's Oz. It'll be interesting to see if a big name draws her early.

40. Kaia Kanepi: Kaia has been away from the game for awhile with a leg injury, but she has been known to blast opponents off the court with her high-powered game. The former Top 15er made the quarters of last year's French Open, so you know she's competent on clay. Definitely a first-round nightmare for a finesse opponent...if she's on.

44. Simona Halep: I honestly don't know who she is or what she's about or even what her game is like (her matches were always on way too early), but she was BLITZING the Rome field, leaving behind high-ranked victims such as Aga Radwanska and Roberta Vinci. She was stopped cold by Serena, but who wasn't these last few months? Her run from qualies to semis needs to be noted.

54. Magdalena Rybarikova: I personally saw this tall Slovakian qualify for the U.S. Open in 2012. She has a sneaky big serve and an all-court game that troubled Aga in Miami in March. She can definitely surprise a seed early on.

ATP

36. Lukas Rosol: The ultimate floater. We all know what happened at SW 19 last July. He's even more relevant this Grand Slam now that he's nabbed his first title in Bucharest on clay. (Note: he may not even be floating anymore with the amount of withdrawals!)

39. Ernests Gulbis: When Ernie is relevant and annoying Rafa on court and in the media, everyone wins. His matches at Indian Wells and Rome against Nadal were so much fun. They also wound up arguably being Rafa's toughest matches on the way to both titles. And he loves talking smack, which is the main reason why I want him to back it up with a Top 10 victory in Paris NOT AGAINST TIPSAREVIC, THAT DOESN'T COUNT. How pissed off would Rafa be if both he and Rosol end up in his quarter? Ugh, the possibilities.

60. Daniel Brands: scored a Top 10 win (over Tipsarevic...) in Munich last month, but hasn't backed that up in Dusseldorf, getting run off the court in the first round. Still, this German's got a big game and that's never a bad thing.

67. Ricardas Berankis: I'm grasping at straws a little with the men because, at the rate the Big 4 are going, Stan Wawrinka could be considered a dangerous floater. But let's take a look at this former Junior #1. He's steadily making his way back from injury and made it through qualifying to challenge Andy Murray in three tight sets in the third round of the Australian Open.

So there you have it! I'm sure you have one or two or eight players you would replace with those names above, so leave a comment and your reasoning why "such-and-such" should be considered a dangerous floater, and do it fast. You only have five hours left before the draw is released.