Uncertain Certainties

Tears will fall as fast as her ranking

Only hours before Wimbledon 2014 commences! What the heck will happen you ask? Here are five things that are certain to occur:

• Sabine Lisicki will open play on Centre on Day 2, entering the stadium in tears. Marion Bartoli will watch from the stands wearing Louboutins and a smug look on her face. When Sabine catches sight of Marion looking flawless, the memories of last year's final will overwhelm her and she will be carted off the field, going down to Julia Glushko, 1-6, 0-4 RET.
• Rafael Nadal will beat Lukas Rosol in the second round in five sets, avenging his shock loss to the Czech man in 2012. The match will finish beneath a closed Centre Court roof way four hours after curfew, culminating in a 13-11 final set scoreline. Nadal will later pull out of his third round match against Ivo Karlovic, citing over-elation.
• Sorana Cirstea will reassert herself as the Queen of Romania, upending Simona Halep in the third round. She will promptly lose in the following round to Tara Moore after being paid a handsome sum by a group of British journos.
• Agnieszka Radwanska and Victoria Azarenka will produce a dog fight of a match, rife with shrieks, glares, side-eyes, come-ons, and snubs. A tearful Aga will admonish Vika's grunt during her loser's press conference, while Vika deems the confrontation "hilarious" and that she was "laughing out loud" because of it.
• Grigor Dimitrov will face Andy Murray in a highly anticipated quarterfinal. The match will be awkward for the crowd as they will want to root for the next coming of Roger Federer. Grigor will get off to a quick start in the first set, fall back to earth in the second, and lose the third and fourth sets in romp after scanning the crowd and seeing Maria Sharapova eating gummy candies and judging him.

For things that definitely won't happen, here are my abbreviated picks:

Women's semifinals: Halep def. Sharapova; Azarenka def. Wozniacki

Women's final: Azarenka def. Halep

Men's semifinals: Djokovic def. Dimitrov; Federer def. Kyrgios (why not?)

Men's final: Federer def. Djokovic

Here's to hoping Novak proves me wrong. Happy Wimbledon, everyone!